courage: the bill maher monologue

Someone fowarded me a copy of the monologue that Bill Maher will be using this evening on Politically Incorrect. Suffice it to say, this monologue rules. Aside from being courageous, it’s honest. Honesty is good. Here it is:

Before we begin the discussion tonight, I would just like to take a moment at the top of the show to say to everyone who’s contacted me in the last few days, people I know and people I’d never met but feel like I know – thank you – for your kindnesses, your support, and in one case, a hooker, but I sent her back because one, I don’t use hookers, and two, it turned out we were both with the same agency. But it’s the thought that counts, and on that note, I’d also like to thank ABC for the tote bag.

One comment I’ve heard repeatedly in the last few days in, ah, bars and public libraries – OK, not public libraries – but in bars, where you get some honesty because drunks are honest, is: Now that you’re free, why don’t you run for office? Which, coming from television, I can’t figure out if they mean that as a step up for me – or more like, “Hey, man, you can always be a congressman.”

Anyway, the comment makes me laugh because I truly believe of all the people in the whole country who could not win an election, I am very near the top of the list. Somewhere between Father Geoghan and Al Gore. And the reason is, I have at one time or another, insulted everybody – and I’m proud of that. Politically incorrect means not political, not like a politician, and to give you an idea how unlike a politician I am, I don’t even have a wife to cheat on. So when people say, why don’t you run for office? Or, why’d you get fired?!

Folks, let me sum it up for you: I think religion is bad and drugs are good.

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

I think stereotypes are true, abstinence is a perversion, Bush’s lies are worse than Clinton’s and there’s nothing sexy about being old or pregnant.

I think September 11th changed nothing and if I had known the onset of war would add 100 points to George Bush’s IQ, I would have started one.

I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.

I think death is not the worst thing that can happen to you, people have too much self-esteem, and being drunk is funny. I think children are not innocent, God doesn’t write books, and Jesus wasn’t a Republican.

I’m for Mad Cow disease and against suing tobacco companies.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn’t always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women’s sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

We’ll be on for another six weeks.

Published by