Neighbor Problems: Part 1

The Cunts live just above me. At first there was only one Cunt, and that wasn’t her name to begin with. When she had a problem with her stereo, I fixed it for her. She flirted with me and made a fuss over my dog. Apparently it was all just a front to her psychopathic ways.

One evening, a couple of years ago, my former girlfriend and I were at my apartment planning for some quiet time alone. All of the sudden the ceiling starts thumping with bass, vibrating everything in my apartment. I might not have questioned it if I had ever heard such racket coming from upstairs, but I hadn’t. I directed a puzzled look at my girlfriend, squinting an eye and turning up the left side of my lip in disgust. I’m immediately annoyed.

“What the fuck is that?”

“It sounds like your neighbor is playing loud techno music or something.”

“She never listens to techno music, and if she does, I’ve never heard it. She forty-something years old!”

I climbed up on my sofa and pounded on the ceiling. She pounded her heal into the floor.

“She’s mocking me! What the fuck?!”

“Brad, just calm down. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Oh, but it is! I hooked those speakers up and not only is she playing music at a totally inconsiderate volume, but she just pounded her foot back at me and the music is still thumping. If you were playing music really loud and your neighbor pounded on your floor from below, what would you do?”

“Well, I would probably turn my music down.”


I head for the door.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to ask her to turn her music down.”

“Be nice.”

I march out of the front door, down the steps, across the lawn, up the driveway, up the stairs and knock on her door. She comes to the door as if there is absolutely nothing wrong.


“Do you think you could turn your music down? My girlfriend and I are trying to enjoy a quiet evening at home tonight.”

“No,” she says with ‘fuck you’ subliminally inserted for maximum effectiveness.

I roll my eyes. “Why not?”

“Your dog was barking at 2 o’clock in the morning and it woke me up.”

“I’m sorry. She’s usually only does that when she’s being protective. Now, can you please just turn your music down?”

“No. I have people over, it’s Friday night and we’re hangin’ out.”

I look inside for company, but she seems to be the only one. Besides, there’s no way that they could possibly be conversing, even if she did have people in her apartment.

I pause and look her square in the eyes. “You’re a fucking cunt.”

I immediately turn around and walk back down the stairs. I step off the last stair and she yells down. “Well…you’re a bastard,” to which I let out a hearty laugh as she slams the door.

I walk back in to my apartment with a grin on my face.

“What happened?”

“I called her a fucking cunt to her face.”


“Well, she wouldn’t turn her music down and was being a bitch about the whole thing. I started off playing nice, but she wouldn’t play along.”

About ten minutes pass and the music gets turned off. I hear a bunch of footsteps in her apartment and a few minutes later she is walking with a few people to a car parked in front of the building.

The evening marked the beginning of a war.

Published by


  1. Brad Avatar

    Neighbors are not inherently evil, though they can become quite vicious. So no, this does not make you evil…yet.

    I don’t ever taunt The Cunts, despite all of the evil things they have done, including, but not limited to: waiting for me to shower and then turning on their hot water full-blast, walking in heals no matter what time it is, taking my clothes out of the washing machine and thus, cutting in line, pretty much making it near-impossible to get my car out of its space at times…all of this willl be covered in upcoming stories of The Cunts.

    Thank you for your contribution.

  2. Gina D Avatar
    Gina D

    Wow. Good for you. That takes guts. Has the next shot been fired in this war?

    You think that’s bad though– I would love to hear what would you do if you lived above my downstairs neighbors. I think they all escaped from the insane asylum and convinced my landloard that they were “nice people”. Now my landlord calls them “psychotic.” So much for the interview process.

    These “neighbors” consist of a family of 2-3 grown sons, a mom and a dad. The dad knows of only one way to communicate: shout and threaten. My 86-year old neighbor across the hall is afraid of him, because the guy kept coming up to yell at him about his TV at 11 at night. We tried to tell the downstairs guy that “The Irvs” (as I call them) were a little hard of hearing, but no matter. He wanted them evicted.

    He has also deliberately stuffed trash down the stormdrain, shot off fireworks canisters (maybe you’ve seen them, living in the same vicinity) and dumped those in the stormdrain. He has put trash bins blocking other people’s cars on the alley, and lets his car alarm go off indefinitely when he loads up the car, rather than hitting a button to turn it off. This prompted a neighbor from across the street (no less!) to yell out, “TURN OFF YOUR ALARM.” Pretty impressive when people can even alienate neighbors across the street.

    His latest gambit is to take my parking spaces. We have only one car now, but plan to get another. He has a total of four spaces, which he never uses most of the time, and recently lied to the landlord, saying he had spoken to us and that we said we were not getting a car. We’ve never talked to the guy about it, and in fact avoid him as much as possible. Fortunately, the landlord already believes he is a nut and told the guy “tough shit” (in a very nice way, of course).

    We confronted him about the stormdrain trash thing, and he acted like a spoiled, belligerant child. Now we just call the cops. Also, we’ve just invested in a subwoofer, which will be strategically employed if the circumstances dictate.

    This rant & rave is my contribution to the neighbors commentary. Question: Why are neighbors so evil? And since I’m a neighbor, does that make me evil too?